Starting My Beyonce Style Journey
I woke up yesterday dead set on copying Beyonce’s outfits cause duh, she’s the queen. Found some random articles online promising “easy ways” to dress like her. Grabbed my coffee and decided to try all five tips back-to-back. Here’s what actually went down.
Tip 1: Stuffing Myself Into Sparkly Bodysuits
First tip said wear sequin bodysuits “like it’s casual.” Ransacked my drawers – found zero sparkle. Drove to Marshalls and bought the cheapest silver one ($30!). Looked like tinfoil squeezed over sausages when I tried it. Pants wouldn’t go over the crotch snaps either. Ended up wearing it under an oversized flannel like “Beyonce goes grocery shopping.” Felt ridiculous taking out the trash.
Tip 2: Teasing My Hair Into Texas Clouds
Article claimed “bigger hair equals more Yoncé.” Sprayed half can of dry shampoo upside down like suggested. Brushed it out – poofed sideways like a electrocuted Pomeranian. My bangs literally stood straight up. Tried wrapping hair around sunglasses for volume. Glasses fell off repeatedly. Needed 47 bobby pins to fake a half-updo. Still looked like I’d stuck fingers in sockets.
Tip 3: Making Boots Happen Inside My Apartment
Supposedly Beyonce wears cowboy boots at home. Dug out my old boots from college. Stomped across hardwood floors for 10 minutes. Massive blister formed instantly. Kicked them off and tripped over the pointy toes twice while microwaving soup. Neighbor downstairs banged ceiling with broom. Lesson learned: house slippers > rhinestone boots for Netflix time.
Tip 4: Blinding Myself With Chrome Jewelry
Saw pics of Bey covered in metallic chains. Emptied every necklace I owned onto my bathroom counter. Layered 4 chokers + 8 chains. Felt like a walking chandelier. Longer chains kept snagging on drawer handles. When sunlight hit the window? Actual retina damage. Took photos – looked less like queen B and more like magpie who robbed Claire’s.
Tip 5: Dancing Practice Disaster
Final tip insisted “move like Beyonce to complete the look.” Queued up “Single Ladies” and pushed my coffee table aside. Attempted the hip wiggle. Slipped in socks. Landed knee-first on TV remote. Channel changed from workout video to depressing news broadcast. My cat gave judgey stares. Ended up laying on carpet questioning all my life choices.
Epic fails all around but hell it was fun. Learned 3 things: 1) Beyonce magic ain’t copy-paste 2) Spandex requires commitment 3) Cats are harsh critics. Maybe tomorrow I’ll just wear normal pants.
