Honestly, seeing Tatiana’s bikini pics blew my mind. So last Monday I rolled outta bed thinking, “Screw it, let’s copy her routine” and started tracking everything like a creepy fitness stalker.
The Warm-Up Disaster
First morning, I dug up her routine details – apparently she does 20 minutes jumping jacks before breakfast. Grabbed my phone timer, pushed the coffee table aside. Made it exactly 47 seconds before collapsing on the carpet wheezing. My damn dog started barking like I was dying.
SaladGate 2023
Nutrition part said “massive raw veggie lunch”. Hit the grocery store, dumped kale/spinach/carrots into one bowl Tuesday noon. Forgot dressing. Ate three bites of dry leaves before rage-ordering pizza. Still counts if I picked off the pepperoni, right?
Weird Hydration Shit
Wednesday decided to crush the water goal – 3 liters daily according to her plan. Pissed clear liquid 18 times between 8AM-5PM. Boss asked if I had UTI. Pro tip: don’t attempt during back-to-back Zoom meetings.
The 5AM Cardio Betrayal
- Thursday alarm at 4:45AM for “sunrise power walk”
- Stumbled outside in mismatched sweats
- Got chased by raccoon near dumpster
- Lasted 0.3 miles according to fitness tracker
- Cried into pancake breakfast at 6:15AM
Results After Four Days
Spoiler: zero bikini body transformation. Back pain from jumping jacks. Mild lettuce trauma. But hey – drank more water than ever before. Maybe that glowy skin thing Tatiana has takes longer than 96 hours? Giving up and buying Spanx instead.
Lesson learned: Celeb fitness routines sound simple til you actually try doing the damn things. Still waiting on my Orphan Black mutant genes to kick in and do the work for me.
