So you wanna know about “model tits,” huh? Lemme tell ya, it ain’t just about slapping some polygons together, not if you wanna do it right, or at least, not if you wanna keep your sanity when dealing with folks who think they know what they want.
Everyone thinks it’s easy. “Just make ’em bigger!” or “Make ’em perkier!” they shout, usually through email with too many exclamation marks. They got no clue about rigging, about how the mesh deforms, about how one tiny change can screw up the whole damn character. It’s a nightmare, a real pain in the ass, especially when they want ’em looking like they defy all laws of physics and anatomy.
The Real Grind
You spend hours, sometimes days, staring at the screen, tweaking vertices one by one, fighting with texture maps to make ’em look like skin and not plastic, trying to make it look natural, or at least not like some creepy, uncanny valley horror show. And for what? So some suit, who probably never opened a 3D program in his life, can squint and say, “Hmm, can we make them… ‘bouncier’?” Bouncier! Like I’m some kinda digital bra fitter or a goddamn trampoline salesman.
Why am I ranting like this? Oh, I’ve got my reasons, believe me. I got a story that still makes my eye twitch.
My Big “Break” into Madness
There was this one project, see? An indie game, supposed to be the next big thing. Low budget, of course, but sky-high ambitions. That’s always a classic combo for disaster, lemme tell ya. They hired me to do the main character model, this “iconic” female protagonist they had dreamed up.
And guess what the main point of feedback was, over and over and over again? Not her cool backstory, not her unique abilities, not the goddamn gameplay mechanics. Nope. It was her chest. Her tits. That was the hill they were gonna die on.
- First, I got the note: “They’re too small.” Okay, fine, artistic direction, whatever. I went back, did my thing, beefed ’em up a bit. Sent it over.
- Then, a few days later: “They look too saggy.” Too saggy! For a warrior character who’s supposed to be running, jumping, fighting dragons, you name it! So, I had to make ’em defy gravity, like they were filled with helium.
- And then, the kicker: “Can we get more jiggle?” Jiggle! I kid you not. I had to dive into the mess of physics parameters, trying to dial in the perfect amount of “jiggle” without it looking like she was smuggling watermelons that had a life of their own. My internet search history from that week probably put me on some watchlist, I swear. “Realistic breast physics,” “best jiggle parameters,” “how to model convincing tits” – it was awful.
I was wrestling with this janky old modeling software ’cause that’s all the project could afford a license for. Every tiny tweak, every adjustment to the “jiggle” factor, meant a full re-export, then re-importing it into the game engine, then waiting for the damn thing to compile and load, just to see if it looked right. And the clipping! Oh god, the clipping issues. Her clothes, her armor, even her own arms when she moved – everything was a constant battle. You’d fix one part, and another part would just explode or pass right through. It was like playing whack-a-mole with polygons, and the mole always won.
And the feedback loop? Don’t even get me started. It wasn’t even clear, actionable stuff most of the time. Just vague feelings from the “creative director.” “Make it more… impactful,” he’d say. What the hell does “impactful” even mean when you’re talking about a digital rack? I swear, I lost sleep over this. My partner at the time started giving me weird looks, probably thought I was developing some strange new obsession. “It’s for work!” I’d practically yell, waving my arms around, definitely looking like a lunatic who’d lost his marbles over virtual anatomy.
And after all that? After weeks of painstaking work, countless revisions, pulling my hair out, and achieving a level of “jiggle” that could probably cause a minor earthquake in the game world? The game flopped. Big, massive surprise there, right? All that intense focus on the “model tits,” all those hours spent on that one specific, superficial detail, and they completely forgot to, you know, make a decent game around it.
So yeah, when I hear “model tits,” that’s what I think of. It’s not just a feature on a character. It’s a whole damn saga of misplaced priorities, ridiculous client demands, technical headaches that make you want to scream, and a reminder of how the dumbest, most superficial crap can derail an entire project. You end up pouring all your energy and skill into the window dressing instead of what actually matters. That’s the real story behind “model tits” for me. A goddamn, time-sucking, soul-crushing headache, that’s what it is.
